Are You Willing to Be a Bad Mom?
An invaluable tool for all moms, that gives you the ability to stop judging you and create more ease with parenting so works for you and your kids.
What would it take to be a bad mother?
To be a truly great mother you have to be willing to be a bad mother. When you are willing to receive the judgments that you are a bad mother as just someone’s interesting point of view then you can be the phenomenal mother you truly be.
How does this tool work? Once you become a mother everyone will share with you their judgments about the correct, right and good way to raise your kids. They will give you advise on how to deliver your baby, how to nurse, what to feed your kids, if you should stay home or go back to work, what activities your kids should do, if you should discipline your kids, what college they should go to and on and on. If you make these judgments real at all you can never see what would actually work for you or them. Instead you stop being you and discount what you know to avoid their judgments. If you are willing to be a bad mom then any judgements you get from your kids, the neighbors or your mother will not be able to stick you because you are already willing to receive them, you have allowance for what they think and it is just interesting. You never need to resist or react to the judgments and make your choices wrong, you can choose how to parent for you and create something greater than you could imagine.
This tool allows you to never have to fit in to this realities insanity about parenting. Like this insane view, if you are a good mother you have to sacrifice your life for your kids. Have you ever heard anyone say “I would give up my life for my children”? This is supposed to be a good thing? No, it is crazy! What child would want their parent to give themselves up for them? I never wanted that for my mom, I wanted her to be amazing! Giving your life up for your children does not show them how to be phenomenal it shows them how to be limited. I want my 3 children to be phenomenal. When we as parents choose greater over sacrifice then we show our children how to choose that for their future too. In this reality sacrifice is the right way to parent, a bad mother would create greater than this. Are you willing to be a bad mother and create a greater life and an amazing future for you and your kids without sacrificing you?
Sometimes the hardest judgements we receive are those from our own children. Here are two stories to where using the tool created wonderful changes I would never have considered.
Years ago, when they were in elementary school, I put the wrong sandwiches in the girl’s lunch boxes, one got tuna and one peanut butter and they both hated the sandwiches they got. When I picked them up from school I got a litany of how awful it was for them at lunch. I turned to them and said, “I am sorry, I am a really bad mom, I don’t’ know how to do this stuff right, maybe I need your help.” I did not get upset, resist or react to what they were complaining about. The girls both said “oh no you are not a bad mom at all, you are the best mom ever” and started making their own lunches.
Recently my older daughter had a very difficult day at school and she was seriously down in the dumps. Than night she left the house and didn’t tell me. When I found out where she had gone I was pissed. My Son, who is 20, laid into me about how I was acting. He said, “You are terrible, you are going to get mad at her when she is depressed, what kind of mother are you?” I started to react and argue with him, defend myself, tell him I wouldn’t do that, that is not what is going on, etc. Then I remembered the tool, be willing to be a bad mom, be willing to receive his judgments as just an interesting point of view. I expanded out, become more space and repeated in my head, “what it would take to be willing to be a bad parent?, interesting point of view he has this point of view.”
What this changed was amazing. He stopped judging me. There was no more space in my world for what he was saying to stick me. The, I have to be a good mom button was gone. He started to tear up and I asked what was up for him. He started to talk about things that were troubling him about his future. He had been worried that when he finished his degree in engineering he would end up stuck in a job that would be boring that he hated and he would become depressed. Wow, that was not where I would have thought the conversation about his sister would go. This opened the door for an amazing generative conversation full of questions about his future and how to create a future that would work for him. I was able to show him a totally different possibility beyond this reality. I said yes you may end up in a boring engineering job and when you do you will change it or get a new job and you can do this as often as you like, just like I did, just like your dad did. You will never be able to do a boring job, you are too creative and you can change anything. What if every job you had was better than the last? In this reality staying at the same job for 20 years is valuable, what if it wasn’t, what if that is not true for you? For my son the question could be would you be willing to be a bad engineer and create something greater than you could imagine, just like the willingness to be a bad mom creates something greater than you imagine.
A question always opens the door to possibilities.
Dr. Glenna Rice, DPT, The Questionable Parent
I Asked a Question
At a myofascial release workshop in Sedona, 8 years ago, during a break, I sat down in front of this gigantic ant hill. While watching the ants going up and down and up and down a thought bellowed in my head, “oh my god, that is just like my life! Then I asked a question that changed my life…
At the time, I was a mother of 3, my youngest was 11 months old and I was married to a “Doctor” who I had just spent 6 years in Boston with, supporting the family working as a Pediatric Physical Therapist while he finished a Masters and Ph.D. in Aeronautical Engineering from MIT. He now had an excellent job, at a top-rate consulting company and was earning great money. We lived in one of the finest suburbs in the US with exceptional public schools. We were both highly educated professionals. My kids were in activities galore and I had just opened up my dream Physical Therapy practice. I was the consummate professional suburban upper middle class soccer mom and I had made it! My life should have been fabulous but it was so far from fabulous it was crazy. I was miserable. Except when I was enjoying my kids or working on patients in my office, I was unhappy and frustrated. I was angry much of the time, mostly in the evenings, felt overwhelmed with all the activates, 3 young kids and everything else I was doing. Whoever I was, I had no idea and she barely existed in the life I was creating. I looked normal and successful. I had done everything I was supposed to do in this reality, and done it well and very little of it was working for me. I was married to a man who judged me relentlessly for not earning more money and for being angry and I judged myself even more. I cried most nights, often in the day and remember saying over and over again to myself “don’t get mad tonight when he comes home” and as soon as I would hear that garage door open I would be angry. I did not have the question yet of, who that belonged to?
So in Sedona, I observed at these ants running up and down that hill. I lived on a hill and was driving up and down it at least 10 times a day. I just kept thinking about how insane my life was and then I noticed something. They were not angry! They were just being ants.
I asked a question that changed my life. “What would it take for me not to be so angry?”
Amazingly, everything in the Universe will begin to work with you and contribute to you when you ask a question. I had no inkling at the time the changes and possibilities I was creating for my future that day. I am so grateful I asked that question and what a marvelous gift that gigantic ant hill was for me!
I came home from the workshop to a voice mail from the midwife who had delivered my youngest daughter. She had fallen off a ladder the day after I saw that ant hill and hurt her back and was in need of good body worker. After a few visits she referred her ex-husband to me who had ruptured his Achilles’ tendon. He was an Access Facilitator. After a few months, I agreed to trade with him which was odd for me. The first session, he did this weird stuff, asked questions and cleared limitations with these strange poc and pod words, that I at the time rolled my eyes at. But it changed things, I felt really different, easier, more peaceful. I then went to some Access clearing nights and things got even easier. I learned some amazing questions to ask, like who does that belong to for every thought, feeling and emotion I had. I realized how aware of energy I was and what I could do with bodies in my practice started changing dynamically. The feedback was amazing. It was so odd, this stuff, so outside my normal box. But I knew it was doing something different and that I wanted more. I learned that if it feels light it is true for you and it is heavy it is a lie and realized how much of the life I was living was a huge lie! What would it take for everything to change?
Soon after my husband came to me and asked for a divorce. I was dumbfounded. I had never even considered that possibility. Breaking up the family, never, single parent, never, ever, ever, kids need an intact family. I would never do that to the kids. Yes I had a lot of decisions at the time. I didn’t know what to say to him but this little voice in my head said “I could do that? You mean, I could actually do that, really?” It felt so light, I was trying not to smile. You are definitely not supposed to smile at a time like that, it is way too serious. I said, ok.
He was out the next day. About 50% of my anger went away. It was never mine. When he came back to get his things I felt angry and asked who does this belong to and it was gone, just gone. He was angry and he still is. I just no longer am the effect of it. It is his point of view. It was so easy. During the divorce which was definitely sticky at times, I asked a lot of questions and used the Access Mantra often “All of life comes to me with ease, joy and glory” and found even a divorce with child support battles and ugliness can actually be easy. All of life, not just the pretty stuff can happen with ease. Asking questions like, “how can this work for me better than I could ever possibly imagine?” allowed me to receive the support of everything around me so it could work for me. Even the court systems can work for you if you ask! I was now including myself in the equation of my life probably for the first time ever. It was remarkable!
I started attending every single Access class I could get to. I started teaching classes, became a facilitator by the next year. Now 8 years later I am rarely angry, and if I am, I have tons of tools to ask to change it quickly. My live is fuller and busier than I could ever imagine and I enjoy all of it. I am a single mom raising the kids on my own, something I didn’t want to be and now I think being a single mom may be one of the best kept secrets in the world!
The kids are still in the great school district and just like with the courts we ask “how can the school work for my kids better than they could ever possibly imagine?” My oldest has just started college studying engineering (It is now pretty clear why he picked his dad) and my middle daughter is a stunning and confident freshman in high school. They have all attended many, many classes and use the tools all the time. The way my children BE in the world is an inspiration to me and the people they meet daily. My youngest daughter’s 2nd grade teacher commented to me that she was one of the “most aware and intuitive child she had ever had and that her classroom would change and come to life as soon as she came in.” My children are phenomenal and have told me they are glad their dad and I are divorced because we are both happier now. Who would have guessed that 9 years ago?
One of the changes I never expected when I chose to include me in the equation of my life is seeing how it has allowed my children to have that choice also. They have this awareness that I never had when I was that age. That the entire universe will support them in what they choose, limitations are not real and it is absolutely OK to have a life that works for them!
Now, I teach Access classes on parenting and bodies all over the world and am booked months in advance. I still have my dream practice and it is better than I could imagine. I have facilitated thousands of people in my classes, on the radio and in private sessions to use the Access tools, to be a question and see a different possibly in their lives. Now that I include me in the equation of my life it has become a phenomenal adventure and celebration with a future full of infinite possibilities. How does it get even better than that?